Smile at Your No's
"Smile Jack Jack"....I tell our 18 month old during drop-off routine at daycare. In the rearview mirror, I spotted anxiety in his face as we pulled up to the center. Now eyeing up the other kids and daycare workers, his tension mounts as I put him down. Shifting his body towards my legs and pressing his head down between my knees to create a make-shift shelter from the outside world...
People are funny in many ways.
And sometimes our human quirks are not our most endearing qualities. For instance, the hard-wiring in each of us to say...No. It might not always come out that way exactly. But a very large percentage of the time, a primal urge to reject drives our actions before we can think things through.
Didn't know you had a stubborn inner cave-person, did you?
It's true.
When you are exposed to new ideas (especially those of others), watch for your initial reaction...and how it drifts, consciously or not...towards a No.
The greatest negotiators in the world know this phenomenon well. And in fact, they use it to their advantage! They don't just blurt out what they'd like. Instead, they turn it around into a clever statement of impossibility for the recipient.
The result?
The hard-wiring of the recipient pulls them towards the counter position...and they find themselves arguing to agree. Crazy, right?!
Kids are natural negotiators in that they absolutely won't give up. Have you ever been asked for ice cream 38 times? Adults would usually give it up after 1 or 2 requests. We are quick to accept the No. But kids, less inhibited, aren't quite sure if the 39th time might be the successful attempt!
So let's use your grandchild as an example. Picture your little one approaching you with one of the following questions:
Grandma...can we go get ice cream?
Grandma....there's no chance we can get ice cream today, right?
Attempt 2 triggered something a little different inside, didn't it? Your primal instinct, your competitive (and very human) nature is hard-wired to say no to both questions. Oh, you may WANT the ice cream just as much as your grandkids! But, deep down, subconsciously, the cave-man (cave-woman) inside you begs for a No.
It is nearly always our gut, first response.
For fun, monitor your reactions to others to see this for yourself. And, also use the technique of turning your requests into "opposites" and see how much more appeasing people will become!
While this can at least be a fun curiosity, another very important secret insight lies within...
When you present new ideas to others, expect rejection and you'll find it empowering.
Say what?
No, really. Because when you are aware that the person can't help it (hard-wired response)...you boost your confidence their "No" is not a personal rejection or that your idea is a dud. If your goal is to convince that person, keep trying and pose the idea in a counter view to tap into their primal urge to "fight".
Make an effort to watch for the subtleties of this insight...it won't always be obvious. Especially because we are all used to it.
Recognize that in working on your legacy, you will get resistance from your friends (No), from your family (No), and even your spouse (No).
The concept of pursuing your legacy is new to them, and by default, it begs a human No.
And to the discouraged masses, the NO is where many a dream dies. Don't let THIS aspect of human nature prevent YOU from reaching your goals...of fulfilling your life's purpose.
Want a real-life example?
Just before launching the LoveMyGrandchild.com website in the Fall of 2008, I casually shared my idea with a friend at a party.
Here is his response: "You're writing a website for grandparents?! Because you have so many grandkids? What do you know about being a grandparent?!"
The air was suddenly thick with sarcasm. A very clear and cynical NO was delivered my way. But I forgave him right away.
I was schooled on the hard-wired NO as a young sales trainee years ago (my first job post-college). You can never win if you engage in an argument. But appeal to people's ego / human nature, and you can create an impact.
(( Now, I had a very good rationale for the credibility of my new website concept. I'll be 37 years old this year, proud father of 2 young boys. The lucky son and son-in-law of 2 wonderful sets of grandparents to my boys. Once, I was a grandson, and God-willing will one day be a grandfather. I have a strong interest in my kids, in helping others, and have extensive experience in corporate strategic planning. With a strong intuitive nature, I know most of us don't apply strategic plans to enrich our lives and achieve our purpose. As a Dad....I am in the middle ground between grandchildren and grandparents. And I believe that regardless of my age in life...it shall always be an advantage.
Why should I not launch the site? ))
All this, however, was purely an internal dialogue.
Perhaps my friend could have used more tact, but it's human nature nonetheless.
To my friend, I said..."Yes, you're right. I don't suppose there's any chance your parents would be interested anyway." (See the "opposites" technique?)
His response this time?
"Well, what's the site name again?...I'll pass it their way." (See the hidden NO in his reply once more?!)
Said another way, when faced with the the outright rejection from someone, smile right back at them. It's the only response that has a chance of melting the ice thrown your way.
To my son Jack, an unsure toddler in a strange new place with other kids and adults, I again said "Smile Jack Jack." From the arms of the daycare worker, he looked back frowning, eyes locked on mine. I reached out with two fingers and literally pushed up the corners of his mouth, and more musically said "SMiiiiiiiLE." And he did! His smile stayed in place when I removed my fingers, as he waved bye-bye.
Another secret insight...
Whenever you're feeling down about yourself or your legacy efforts, make yourself smile. (Push you mouth up if you have to!) You are also hard-wired to feel better when you smile...forced or not.
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